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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  March 7, 2016 9:29am-10:05am PST

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lives on 69 weed avenue." what's a college student even doing in north korea? >> he was on a private tour in north korea. >> it's a chinese-based tour company that advertises and brags, "come on our tours. we're going to destinations even your mother doesn't want you to go to." >> larry: no, cancun is a destination your mother doesn't want you to go to. north korea is a destination you don't want you to go to. what were you expecting some spring break spot full of underage strip clubs? because north korea's version of "girls gone wild" is just middle-aged women eating full rations of oatmeal. okay, so what'd he do wrong? >> he's accused of trying to steal a north korean political banner from his hotel. >> larry: listen up, frat boy, this isn't like the time you
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stole sig ep's goat. this is north korea. they're not known for their love of pranks. look, i get the desire to steal things from hotel rooms. i get pretty much everything from hotels, even this suit. [laughter] [applause] "do not steal." right, like a brother's going to steal it. well, i guess in this particular case, i did steal it. but still, that's racist. go to the "nightly show" web site to see my howard johnson underpants. but hotel pranks don't play in north korea. >> north korea is essentially taking what a lot of people might interpret as a college prank taking down a sign, and they're turning it into some sort of alleged covert operation. >> larry: alleged covert operation? if our government had a secret plan to steal a banner, they should have recruited that "nightly show" audience member
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who stole a cardboard cutout of me from our show last thursday and then snuck it onto the subway. #flatlarry. never forget. but could this u.v.a. student really be a secret government agent? after all, he was in north korea. he goes to school in virginia. not far from c.i.a. headquarters. and again, his name is otto frederick warmbier, one of the top three fakest-sounding names i've ever heard. gosh, maybe this student is some sophisticated undercover mastermind. >> please. i've made the worst mistake of my life. [laughter] >> larry: okay, so maybe he isn't some sophisticated
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undercover mastermind. >> i entirely beg you people and government of the d.p.r.k., for your forgiveness. please, think of my family. >> larry: you're going to try to appeal to kim jong un about family? this is a guy who had his own uncle shot to death. you're crying to a dictator who only looks out for numero un. [laughter] north korea isn't a playground for college pranks, kim jong-un isn't a fictional character from a seth rogen movie, and "pyongyang" isn't some game you play with coors light and solo cups. i'm sorry, guys, it's just tough for me to have much sympathy for this guy and his crocodile tears because he allegedly stole this north korean hotel banner as an initiation prank for university of virginia's secretive "z society." this sounds like the worst hazing ever. so you have to commit an international crime to get into
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that clique? what else is on that hazing list? butt chug holy water from the vatican, steal one of putin's pubes, leave an upper decker in robert mugabe's bathroom? okay, that one went too far. i agree. look frat bros, if your hazing includes international crimes, you've got to read the fine print on your american frat bro warranty. it's all the way at the bottom so it's easy to miss, but it says, "frat bro privilege not valid in totalitarian dystopias." listen, otto von crybaby, if you're so anxious to go to a country with an unpredictable megalomaniac in charge, just wait a year and you'll live in one! it's coming, you guys! "make america great!" guys, it is catchy. okay, to get a better sense of otto, let's talk with some of his fraternity brothers. please welcome preston and hawes.
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so guys, is it upsetting to see your frat brother begging for mercy in north korea? >> it's hilarious. warmbier's crying like he's watching the paul walker tribute at the end of "furious 7." >> sick flick. >> listen, bro, i don't care if it's north korea or west korea; warmbier wanted a sick banner to decorate his dorm, so he too. theta chi! >> larry: first of all there's no wet korea. that it's not okay to steal stuff in north korea? >> who said anything about stealing? these are pranks. >> larry: it's an international incident! >> it's an international prank. >> exactly, man! i pulled an international prank when i studied abroad in rome.
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i dipped my balls in the trevi fountain. >> larry: summer of '98? how old are you? >> 38 years young, kemosabe. i work at credit suisse now. doesn't mean i can't swing by and have some brews with my bros every now and again, or every day, or whatevs. >> larry: guys. don't you guys find any of this behavior abhorrent? >> whoa! you sound pretty bro-judiced, >> larry: bro-judiced? >> yeah, man, racist against bros. >> larry: that's not a thing. anyway, what do you think's going to happen to otto? >> everyone in our frat's family got mad connects in d.c. he'll get out. don't were owe about it, man.
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>> he commits crimes all the time. he's the ultimate frat bro. >> larry: that's the first thing you said that makes sense. we'll be right back. 5-hour energy® presents... why are you so tired? ahh, the "after lunch food coma." we've all been there. you had planned on ordering the salad, but the pasta and fries looked so good. now, you're trying to find a place to catch a few zzzs... without the boss catching you. next time, grab a great tasting 5-hour energy® shot. it'll help you stay alert and productive... no matter what's on the menu. now is the time for 5-hour energy®.
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>> larry: welcome back. it's super tuesday, and voters face a daily onslaught of in-your-face political advertising. though we might feel immune to this messaging, there is evidence to suggest that we are in fact affected by its more subtle directives. known as "priming," the theory holds that media stimulate related thoughts in the minds of an audience. for instance, one study showed that a store playing traditional french or german music can prime shoppers to buy french or products, which means certain types of music being played at polling places can affect the way you vote. it's kind of like when i see a picture of ted cruz, i just think of grandpa munster. it's uncanny!
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i can't get it out of my head. with more on this phenomenon of music at the polling places, please welcome rico and oda bensimon. so guys, what is it you do exactly? >> we provide a non-invasive background muzak at your local polling station to relax people to vote for whomever they want. >> it's a public service, when you think about it. >> larry: so you guys aren't trying to influence voting at all, right? >> not at all. oh, no! >> people wownt to cla want to r hands. this is what we wrote down for super tuesday it's an amazing time to vote. you got the right to choose. it's an amazing time to vote.
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as long as you vote for cruz. >> larry: hold on a second-- >> see, larry, just super objective, not picking sides here. >> larry: guys, that was not objective. you just said "vote for cruz." >> technically she didn't say it, she more sang it. >> larry: but it just seems wrong to sing "vote for cruz." >> okay. well, then, here's another one! >> america is great and we never lose, never lose so if you don't want to die, you better vote for cruz! >> larry: okay, stop. as soon as you say "lose," i knew you're going to rhyme it with cruz. >> ahh, he's so good. >> are you a songwriter, larry? >> larry: no! you guys say you're not priming, that you're not influencing, but it's exactly what you're trying
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to do. >> are we hearing the same song, larry? a lot of our lyrics are metaphorical. there's imagery. >> pictures. >> larry: yeah, but it's imagery of telling people to vote for cruz. can you give me a song that doesn't tell me to vote for cruz? >> yeah, i think we can do that, larry, but i think you're making too much of this. marco is the worst. he is never first, never if you vote for him you'll be forever cursed bielizibob! >> larry: that's a blatant slam on marco rubio! >> who are you, sir quincy jones? >> larry: first of all, i don't think quincy jones is a knight. secondly, you guys keep lying. about what you're doing. >> no! >> never lying! >> larry: you guys are obviously working for ted cruz. i mean, what do you have to say for yourself? >> i think what we have to say is better said in song. 3, 2, 1...
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satan, satan, satan, can you hear me satan? satan, satan, satan, can you hear me satan? i've got one hell of an ultimatum. help ted cruz. and i'm yours for the takin'. >> larry: you just offered your souls to satan! >> ted cruz 2016! satan, satan, satan. can you hear me satan? everybody! snievment>> larry: no, not eve. we'll be ri (amanda): my name is amanda. and i smoked while i was pregnant. my baby was born two months early, and weighed only three pounds. this is the view i had of her in the nicu. my tip to you is; speak into the opening so your baby can hear you better.
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>> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor mike yard; "nightly show" contributor rory albanese; and he's a journalist for "the new yorker" as well as the best-selling author of the books "the tipping point," "blink" and "david and goliath," malcolm gladwell.
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[cheers and applause] and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter, @nightlyshow, using the hashtag "tonightly." okay, malcolm, i'm glad you're here. i'm a huge fan. there are so many issues i could discuss with you tonight, but i want to talk about a subject you're passionate about, and that's football. there's been a lot of stories in the news lately about the injuries and concussions, and you've even mentioned banning it. why are you so down on america's favorite past time, canadian >> i should say i'm a hypocrite. >> larry: you're a fan. >> i'm a huge fan even if i understand what i'm watching is morally problematic in many ways. i feel more strongly as i thought about this. more strongly about what's wrong with college and high school football than with the pros. it's one thing to have someone play a game that runs the risk of bringing them permanent
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damage while they're making a couple million dollars a year, right. it's another thing to do that on the college level where they're not making anything where they're potentially endangering their own health to entertain alumni and drunken college students. >> larry: do you think college football is a problem. >> listen, you don't have to play football, okay. you play football because it's a choice. who am i to tell people what to do with their lives. i don't smoke crack because i know what it does to you. if you're a head crack don't play football. >> this is pretty new information. i don't feel it's out there. >> but the injuries and concussions. the bigger problem is people don't know bit. the way we do about cigarettes we have to put warning on things. like a football should have helmets on it saying this doesn't work. then when you put it on. >> thousands of kids play
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football every day and yet people get hurt. but people get hurt driving, we're not talking about bang that. >> you have to drive but you don't have to play football. >> exactly but it's a choice. if you decide to play football. all you got to do is watch people run into each other to know it's not a good thing. >> what will really make a big impact on our decision. our feelings about football is when we discover just how dangerous it is we're only a couple years understanding what this condition called cte is. we still don't know how many players are afflecke afflicted , how common it is. if it's 1% of people who play football. to my mind it's a lot. it's a very different matter if it's 10%. if you're playing a game where 10% of the players are having an awful death, committing suicide, driving cars off the road, where they are lapsing into dementia then i have a very different feeling about the game.
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>> if they put that into the monday night football stuff. if you play football, you get dementia, stuff like that. >> on monday night football it used to be a logo. they would sing a song. >> i know. >> why do you think people really love football. is it for the violence of it. >> yes. families are watching transformers. it's fun, it's exciting. listen those guys train very hard to go on the field and run into each other. i'm not going to down them for that. they're getting paid. you play high school in college so you can possibly gre get pai. >> would you allow your child to play football. >> never. are you kidding me? no. >> i wouldn't introduce him to it but if he found out about it. i'm not going to cover you.
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>> i don't have a kid but if they had any athletic ability coming out of me, i would be like just thrilled. i would be thrilled at the process spect that mprospect thh a ball. i don't know if i would let him or her play but i would be so proud. >> how many nfl players are now saying they wouldn't let their children play football. >> wait, wait. terry bradshaw said that and he has two 30 year old daughters. >> i think he's clear. >> before i go, since i have you, i just want to ask you a couple questions about the election. i just want you to help me understand donald trump, the phenomena of trump and maybe using the wealth of your knowledge. would you explain, like we've had a black president. is that a tipping point?
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or do you think people just blink and they are like [bleep] or do you think he's some david or some goliath that just showed up. or maybe he's just an outlier out there. i personally think it's what the dogs are. >> trump is what the psychologist called the impassive bully or the best bully are people who are brilliant at reading your weaknesses. he picks on you in this particular way that makes you feel terrible because he has looked inside your head and seen what your weaknesses are. trump is the impassive bully. when he makes fun of the other candidates it's not some bad crude insult, it's actually an insult that cuts to the chase. >> he's very good at it. >> we called jeb bush low energy. >> that's exactly the thing that
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nailed him. >> i saw a clip of them talking about marco rubio and he was talking about hour marco rubio slept a lot. >> it's like oh my god it's so true and i can't look at marco rubio. he literally ruins people. he moves to and lays waste to everyone around him. >> he's obviously spent 10,000 hours being a bully. [applause] >> larry: all right, we'll be >> larry: all right, we'll be right back.
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siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer. try a flaky filet-o-fish madeon mcdonald's mcpick 2 menu with sustainably sourced fish, a big mac made with 100% beef, chicken mcnuggets made with white meat, or a quarter pounder with cheese seared on the grill. pick any 2 for $5 bucks. ♪ lemme get a mcpick 2 (neighbor) yeah, so we're just bringing your son home. (dad) ah! greetings, neighbor. neighbor boy. he really loves our wireless directv receiver. (dad) he should know better. we're settlers. we settle for cable. but let us repay you for your troubles. fresh milk for the journey home? (neighbor) we live right there. (dad) salted meats? (neighbor) no thank you. (dad) hats then!
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(vo) don't be a settler, get a $100 reward card when you switch to directv. >> larry: thanks for my guests, mike yard, rory albanese and malcolm gladwell. we're almost out of time but before we go i'm going to keep it at a hundred. tonight's question is from@natural robin. you have to cancel one show, the nightly show or black-ish. i can't answer this question, it is an unanswerable question. >> blackish. what about our jobs. >> i'm not canceling the brother's show. i'm not doing it. flawsh. >> larry: thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. goodnightly, everyone!
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>> donald trump claims victory all ever the map. >> donald trump had a fantastic night. >> it looks like we're going to have trump as the nominee. >> i had a huge victory. >> a big night for donald trump. >> i feel awfully good. >> do you ever wonder what it's like to be inside of trevor noah's head? well, i don't, because i am. donald trump could be president! this is the best thing that's ever happened to us. think of all the jokes. trump is the biggest gift to comedy since anthony weaner. >> joy, are you kidding me? >> hi, anger. >> we flew all the way from south africa for this ( bleep )? america has 300 million people to choose from and they pick literally the worst guys. what, was bill cosby not interested? >> think about trump pardoning turkeys on thanksgiving. take your low-energy turkey ass
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off my biewl lawn. it's amazing! >> now of joy, how can you be so calm? what if trevor debts goetz deported? >> fear what, are you talking about? >> think about it, donald trump hates immigrants, and trevor's not exactly here legally. ( laughter ). >> great, we're going to get deported. this sucks! and trevor just figured out what the hell fahrenheit is. ( laughter ) >> come on, guys, trump is getting shadows from white supremacists! don't tell me that isn't funny! >> are you nuts? white supremacists? that's so scary. trevor won't even be able to order black coffee anymore. >> it's about that time. you feeling it? you feeling that tingle? >> hi, horniness. ( laughter ). ooo! >> come on, not now, horniness. chill out a second. >> we're talking about trump here. >> this is not the time to get horny. >> oh, it's always a good time to get horny. >> you always do this. why don't you just leave us alone for once, horniness.
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>> horniness isn't going anywhere. horny! horny! horny! >> stop it! >> i guess i'm horny? from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "daily show" with trevor noah. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "daily show," everybody. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much. my guest tonight, "sports illustrated" model and chef here to tell us how to cook for john legend, chrissy teigen is here! ( cheers and applause ) yes! now we all know the news about trump. but before we get to that, let's pour out some nyquil for the homey we lost. >> dr. ben carson issuing a statement just moments ago saying he does not see "a political path forward for his campaign." >> he said that he's going to


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